Sometimes I question if suicide would end the whole thing. If this great big world of chaos, I was just imagining, if my mind was really just escaping, daydreaming, just resting & really I'm still sat in class, year one or reception. Kinda like inception but really im homeless, unemployed & must carry on no exception, this gives me deep heartburn like indigestion.
My mind is stressing with questions, like why did I become restless? What was I working towards, was it senseless? Do I need to rebuild my whole self, am I selfish? How can I help the world if i cant even solve this? Should I give up on my dreams just so I can pay rent? How easy would it be for me to reinvent? I need to find strength.explain myself better to my friends, because right now I'm writing this rather than talking out my pain. The ink won't be enough to release this off my brain. Everytime I feel to push the button I stop myself again.
Self destruction will not help me, I need to play the game and do good deeds with the solid foundation I create or do I cut up my N.I card and become a freeman from the state? How can I feel this way? Why is my heart astray? Having to leave my family who find it hard to handle me because they don't understand my dream. I'm hardly eating, I'm lean. Lack of self esteem and direction won't help to build with my team. I need to scream. Somebody help me! I'm still not free. But as I feel so hopeless My brother Smiley has given me a poster. It says keep courage & carry on regardless. Just what I needed from a friend when feeling heartless. Realising I need to pull people closer not push them away like they're detrimental to me. I need to take control of my own destiny...
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Thursday, 17 November 2011
The hospital for sick children.
I was sitting in the Hospital for sick children wondering what the real meaning of why I was there. "I'm sitting in the hospital for sick children but I'm not even sick I just 'found myself 'here."
You see I'm a doctor in the hospital for sick children. A silent healer. A guru or you could call me a teacher. I came here for a specific purpose. To scrape away the surface and look deeper as to why this hospital was even purchased. Turned into a circus. Creating hate & making children nervous.
You see I was a patient in the hospital for sick children once myself. I used to think I was depressed, stressed, low in good health. I was trapped in a sense with confusions, delusions, addictions & conflictions. They had me on repeat prescriptions.
I realised that most of the doctors that worked in the hospital had bad intentions. They just wanted to hand out drugs like the teachers were handing out detentions.
So I came to realise that the only way I could get better. Was to fight whatever the weather. Get up out of bed. Use my head. Realise I'm not sick because of my own problems but from theirs instead. THEY fed me this polluted food, air & water. THEY taught me it was ok to slaughter. THEY gave me this dis-ease THEY chopped down all the trees.
So I realise that I need to take more of a positive role in this hospital for sick children because the ones who bought it must of bought it as a toy. THEY must just enjoy the suffering of every single girl or boy.
I think it's time we showed them that we can fix up this hospital. We don't need their help. Not at all. Enough of your recklessness & all the hateful stuff we need a Surgery with logic, care & love.
You see I'm a doctor in the hospital for sick children. A silent healer. A guru or you could call me a teacher. I came here for a specific purpose. To scrape away the surface and look deeper as to why this hospital was even purchased. Turned into a circus. Creating hate & making children nervous.
You see I was a patient in the hospital for sick children once myself. I used to think I was depressed, stressed, low in good health. I was trapped in a sense with confusions, delusions, addictions & conflictions. They had me on repeat prescriptions.
I realised that most of the doctors that worked in the hospital had bad intentions. They just wanted to hand out drugs like the teachers were handing out detentions.
So I came to realise that the only way I could get better. Was to fight whatever the weather. Get up out of bed. Use my head. Realise I'm not sick because of my own problems but from theirs instead. THEY fed me this polluted food, air & water. THEY taught me it was ok to slaughter. THEY gave me this dis-ease THEY chopped down all the trees.
So I realise that I need to take more of a positive role in this hospital for sick children because the ones who bought it must of bought it as a toy. THEY must just enjoy the suffering of every single girl or boy.
I think it's time we showed them that we can fix up this hospital. We don't need their help. Not at all. Enough of your recklessness & all the hateful stuff we need a Surgery with logic, care & love.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Friday, 29 July 2011
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
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