Sometimes I question if suicide would end the whole thing. If this great big world of chaos, I was just imagining, if my mind was really just escaping, daydreaming, just resting & really I'm still sat in class, year one or reception. Kinda like inception but really im homeless, unemployed & must carry on no exception, this gives me deep heartburn like indigestion.
My mind is stressing with questions, like why did I become restless? What was I working towards, was it senseless? Do I need to rebuild my whole self, am I selfish? How can I help the world if i cant even solve this? Should I give up on my dreams just so I can pay rent? How easy would it be for me to reinvent? I need to find strength.explain myself better to my friends, because right now I'm writing this rather than talking out my pain. The ink won't be enough to release this off my brain. Everytime I feel to push the button I stop myself again.
Self destruction will not help me, I need to play the game and do good deeds with the solid foundation I create or do I cut up my N.I card and become a freeman from the state? How can I feel this way? Why is my heart astray? Having to leave my family who find it hard to handle me because they don't understand my dream. I'm hardly eating, I'm lean. Lack of self esteem and direction won't help to build with my team. I need to scream. Somebody help me! I'm still not free. But as I feel so hopeless My brother Smiley has given me a poster. It says keep courage & carry on regardless. Just what I needed from a friend when feeling heartless. Realising I need to pull people closer not push them away like they're detrimental to me. I need to take control of my own destiny...
